Beautiful People and A spark of Hope

Hey Loves!

Hope you are having an amazing day!

Well guess what?! Boy do I got some news for ya!

So today was decided that I will be re-doing the biopsy.

We are all hoping that this time it will work!

I will admit this time I'm a lil nervous, just because I know exactly what will be goin on.

Pluse the fact that I'll be awake through this with very low dose of pain meds is maken me wanna piss my pants!

Buuuuut then again to be honest I'm really excited

bout giving this a nother go!

Im reaaaally hoping this time it works because if not I'll be in a bad situation.

A. Because in order for this

not to work would mean they either peirced my lung or B. They went in and still couldnt reach for the tumor due to it being so deep inside the chest wall.

Also another reason to want this to work is if it fails again fo a second time, they will have to do major sugery and break my rib cage to get to the tumors just to get a sample annnd thats no bueno!!! Considering I still need intensive chemo right after that.

Sooo hopefully none of those happen fingers crossed!!!!!

So the count down begins and 6 days till biopsy #2!!!

On the upside of things!!!

Im very exsited to say that my brother-in-law's lovely sister and fam are planning  fundraisers

and all donations will go towards my medical expenses!!!

Also Im so thankful and blessed to also be having people  I dont even know giving me their support and prayers!!

It means soo much to me knowing that there are so many amazing people in this world who offer love and support to those they dont even know to get them through rough times. In my eyes that is a beautiful person not the money they give or anything like that but the support and good vibes they give and go out of their way to show you they care!

I'm so very blessed to have such a supportive and loving family as well as supportive friends.

they mean the world to me and are what keeps me going.

SPECIAL THANK YOU TO

" NETTY MADE THAT "

for making these amazing bows to help support!!

Add her on Instagram @nettymadethat

or get your self on over check out her website!!

Bows go on sale on Friday!

nettymadethat.storenvy.com

Well Loves it was Biopsy #2

And sadly it didnt go well at all . . . .

The Plan was to stick a needle into the chest wall and into one of the chest tumors and extract fluid so that they could run some test to see what type or how strong of chemo I need.

Weeeeeell

As the procedure was going on the doc started to sadate me and started to numb the area they would be going into. I was told they wouldnt be giving me too strong of a dose of the medication to relax me,beacuse if i was to relaxed I wouldnt be able to coroporate.

It hurt a lil and yes I was awake through this procedure but it only hurt a lil and soon they gave me the good stuff and it wasnt so bad. It was nothing compared to the bone marrow test YIIIKES!!!

So basically loong story short they could not go through with the procedure due to the tumor being sooo close to my lung. It was to much of a health risk and would be indanger of getting my lung poked or something else.

As much as I try to stay positive there is always something to come on around and mess up my day or take any hope that I have.

I cant help but feel fustrated and scared knowing that they arent sure what they want or need to do next.

After all this I still have faith and hope, I wont ever give up.

Its just hard when none of the colors ever light up anymore in my world.

Buuuuuuuut I mean hey it could always be worse so Ima slap my self and move on with it!!!! What ever happens theres a reason and Belive me when I saaay Im trying to get the sneek peeks of the clothing line out They are comen!!!!!! So many set backs but who cares nows the time!! When ever soon or faaaar from now when my time comes I want to look back with no regrets this clothing line to me has been my dream for so long and I wont stop pushing for it!!!!!!

 

So Yesterday was Mothers day and it was a lovely day spent with my amayzing beautiful Mom!!!

I can honestly say that my Mom is the most amayzing women in the world I have ever known or layed eyes on!!

You think super women is bad ass, well she aint got notin on my MOM!!!

I could sit here and write about how shes the most beautiful or the most smartest and so on but that wouldnt do her justice shes just so much more than that or any of the complimented words I could come up with in this world.

I not only Love her but have nothing but the most biggest amount of respect for my Mom. Shes been through so much in her life as a child and a women and I commend her for being such a great person and Mother and not ever walking out on us or being consumed by materialistic things or being consumed by dumb things in the world.

She is the most loving and caring women, always going out of her way for her husband kids and family. Always making sure we are ok and going over and beyond than what some mothers due. Even in times we are  in the wrong she Will be there to help catch us when we fail or fall and is never judgmental.

She has always been nothing but supportive and has sacraficed so much for her family to make sure we are all ok and for that I could not express  the amount or love and appreciation that I have for her.

I love her so much for so many reasons, but most of all that I can call her my mom.

I'm very proud that I can call her my Mother. Infact I almost feel guilty that I have such an amayzing mom. It might sound a little selfish or maybe come off a bragging way but if you only knew how amayzing she was you would to!

She is just sooo beautiful inside and out its crazy. She is just so down to earth and has never been the type to be materialistic and would be happy with just a hug and a kiss.

She has been a care taker for my Grandfather (Tata) her dad and for her mom my (Nana) and now unfortunately me.

She has done and sacraficed so much in her life for others she deserves nothing but the best and deserves to just relax and retire and not worry about bills and everything bad that seems to come our way. I cant belive that she has to go through what my sickness is putting her through.

I could careless about what happens to me but to her or my dad and my sisters all I want is for them to be taken care of.

My family means the world to me especially my Mom and Dad.

Now If hes reading this dont get all jelouse I Love you to hahaha!!

My parents have been nothing but supportive and have been helping me through this journey in my life step by step. They have Been to every doctors appointment and every surgery and ER trip.

I will do what ever when ever I can to help them with what ever they need. I will not stop fighting or give up till I know they are taking care of. I love you Mommy and I hope you now that you and dad mean the world to me and theres nothing I wouldnt do for you.

A New Start to the Never Ending Story

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As much as we wish somethings were true,

Its not enough to make them an reality.

The cancer is back and more worse than before.

There are more tumors that have formed and the pain is only increasing.

To hear this news was one of the worst things I could ever possibly hear.

If treatment is not done within the next 6 months I will be taken down by this damn sickness fom hell.

Due to being refused for almost a year now by main insurance providers has made this news even worse! Its all back to the start and hoping and praying that they fianlly get the freggin hint and help me get the coverage I need to get the help I need.

Although this wasnt the best of news I still need to keep focused and centered and know things could always be worse. At least I still have a chance thats all that matters, the plan is going to be yet again one of the hardest things I will mentically and physically ever havet togo through but if its a chance that can save my life theres not even a question or a doubt not to go through with this.

Heres the Plan :

* Biopsy On tuesday not really sure how this gonna happen

due to me zoning out when they where telling me I needed a big biopsy surgery  I kinda freaked and  I got flashbacks of the last biopsy. . . it huuurt..

But what I did get was Em I a bleeder and theres a huge needle and anxiety meds they can give. Ill worry on Monday when I find out more but till then not gonna think bout it.

* 2 Rounds of intensive Chemotherapy

I was told this chemo is extremely way worse than the one before, exteme Nausea, Hair loss (AGAIN CRAAAAAAAP) and once again many extreme side affects.

Ooook so I know I havet to prep for this, and I know I shouldnt complain.

But just for one second! Craaaaap! I just started to grow my hair back! I was so exsited I was lucky to have not lost all of it but this time I know I will!! I know they say you need certain types of brain tests which is scarey knowing the chemo is so strong that you start to act different I dont want to loose myself in this!! I cant even talk about the thought of being away from my family especially my baby niece and nephew they are my WORLD!! Oh and even tho its ol news and I shld know better there goes any of my secret hope I still had to maybe have a baby  -___-

*Then depending on the after effects of Chemo Round 2

Then Comes the Stem Cell Treatment.

As much as I wanna scream at the top Of my lungs alot of things that arent very nice words I havet to keep it together.

Although my plans of celebrating were put on hold, at least one thing interesting has came out of this ugly big mess. After weeks of debating after yesterdays news I decided to make a youtube account and make mini videos of whats been goin on round here and my whole expierence that is coming.

I hope you all will follow me along as once again I will battle and take head on this demon called Cancer!

A Nightmare called Fear and a Dream called Hope

I keep having these dreams. . .

These nightmares...

That theres nothing they can do to save me...

That I can feel it slowly taking over my body through my blood stream...

most of its blurry intill I see the doctors turn their back as they walk out the door...

Then I wake up....

Its only normal and human to think of the worst, but the fact that the pain in my chest

is still here and getting worse doesnt make it any easier neighther did the news I got today.

I got a call today I wasn't expecting.

Results were to be told tomorrow morning

Its the day I've been waiting for since i've been diagnosed

" Is it gone?! did it work?!"

A nurse called to tell  me that my doctor is sending me out asap to UCLA City of Hope or an hospitol where they can do a stem cell treatment, but my insurance doesnt cover the treatment and I need to get an insurance that will.

As confused as I was I had to ask what the hell she was talking about due to me not knowing the results yet but it was pretty clear to me.

The cat was let out of the bag and Chemotherapy didn't work niether did the Radiation.

Why else would she be telling me this, couldnt be an mistake.

Im still due to go in tommorrow morning to re-hear this news im assuming.

But just to hear it being confirmed again by my doctor herself is more worse than hearing it the way I did today.

How do I get through this one......

How do I walk towards and into the fire without burning.

Im scared to face what is coming.

To have the thoughts burned and carved into my brain that there may not be an end to this but an end to me.

If this suffering and hell on earth is for a reason I hope that reason is to help others.

I can't just be going through this for nothing for it to all end and stay at that.

More than ever I feel so alive and gone at the same time, but I cant let it get to me.

I wont let it!!

 I cant just give up I have to much to live for.

I accept the facts that

I may never have a normal life again,

May never meet someone that I love and get married to share a life with,

never hear the laugh or feel the touch of my own child,

but the most that hurts is leaving my family.

I cant just let this take me down Not without a Hell of a fight.

Whether I beat it or not only time will tell but from the time I have now I can only cherish it with my family and hope for the best.

There is somewhere I need to be and something I need to be doing.

For years I've been waiting to be were I belong, this is only leading me to it.

The Waiting Game

Well it's TIME!!!

The PET scan which is the BIG TEST is finally over Now time for Results!

(Finger Crossed!!)

So just to fill you in on some stuff incase you haven't heard of a pet scan before.

A pet scan is basically a test that you havet to be fasting for, so that they can give you and injection that is full of an sugary substance. So since there is nothing in your system but the injection any tumors or cancerous areas in the body will light up.

Now in my case I'm hoping NO areas Light up!!!

Which would be great because that would mean Im cancer free!!!!

But in these cases its best to not to get excited there is no telling what the results are.

I know by expierence what its like to get great news that something is working or that your getting better, then the next day find out it was all a lie and that its waay worse than what they thought.

Although this wasn't my plan or the life I thought I'd be living I have no reason to be mad at God.

I believe everything that happens whether good or bad has a reason.

Everyone has their own believes and opinions but I've seen to many beautiful things and Miracles in my life to not belive and have faith.

I've also seen endless tradgedies in this world to know there is a hell, Cancer being one of them.

I can spend countless hours and days whishing and hoping that I will be cancer free, but when it comes down to it sometimes you just need to let go.

The results I get on friday will change my whole life from here on out, I dont know if

it will be good or bad but what I do know is no matter what I will never stop fighting!!!

Things Could Be Worse Right?!

Hey Loves I hope you all are safe and having a lovely day!

I cant believe its already friday again and it is yet another week!

Im sooo lost and trying to keep up with everything but im so behind on what my days are round here YIKES!!!

Since I last upadated you loves, I was trying to get back into a normal routine and back into work mode and get some projects done. My back had gave out for a week and to move was impossible

So In attempts to try and get back on track,

once again like always there is another set back to try and stop me . . .

I know they say that things need to get worse before they get better,

that you need to hit rock bottom before you can get yourself back up and start climbing towards the top again.

Well what if you hit rock bottom and from then on its nothing but hit after hit.

Every time you gather strength to rise back up there is another bolder of bad/hardtimes coming just to knock you back down.

I'll admit loves as much as I try to keep positive its hard

with all these negative things that keep happening in my life.

But then I realized it could be worse right?!

There are always gonna be negative situations in life that try to destroy you keep you from being safe healthy and happy and There will be people who talk or who try and tear you down.

But the fact that I have faith and woke up today says it all,

why complain.

I write this today loves because there is alot of times we take things for granted.

I heard someone complain today about how they didn't get their way over a materialistic thing. Although I didn't know this person it still boiled my blood knowing that someone could be so selfish. There is so much worry and hardtimes in my and my familys life and im sure in your loves lifes as well. Its hard at times that make you doubt and hate the world or even question your faith, But remeber there is always someone who has it worse.

I could care a less about how much money I have or any materialistic thing in this world

ALL I WANT IS TO BE CANCER FREE AND HEALTHY AGAIN, TO MAKE SURE MY FAMILY IS SAFE AND WELL TAKEN CARE OF.

MY PRAYERS GO OUT TO ALL THOSE FIRE FIGHTERS AND WORKING MEN AND WOMEN WHO ARE WORKING AND TRYING TO STOP THESE HORRID FIRES!!!

AS WELL AS ALL THE PEOPLE INVOLVED IN THIS AND IN OUR AREA KEEP SAFE LOVES!!!