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Reborn To A New Begining

A little over a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma Cancer,

and about five months ago I was told that without the right treatment I had 6 months before my disease would take my life. It is now almost December that 6 month period and Iam very Blessed Greatful and Proud to finally anounce . . . . . . 

I JUST KICKED CANCERS ASS!!!!!!! 

I did it Loves!!!

Words literaly can't describe how thankful Iam that God has given me a second chance at life!!

I mean even just thinking about it I cant believe it!!  I've never been the one to take advantage of life and be careless but as a human being its true that you get so caught up in life like work and school relationships etc, its not until you actually go through something like this that it kicks you in the ass and your eyes open waaaay more than you ever thought your eyes could ever open!!

And not that im saying that I loved losing my hair and having extreme pain and stuff but im very thankful to have gone through this expierence to have become who Iam today.

I can honestly say that this whole journey has brought me to where I need to be, and I havent felt that way ever in my life. As you loves know I started this here Blog hoping that at least if one person stumbled upon this it would help or inspire them, and I cant tell you guys how amayzingly greatful Iam to have gotten so much feed back, love, and support from you guys!!!! All the prayers,letters and Msgs and everything you loves have done has been such a huge part of me getting through this and I cant thank you enough!!!!!!!!! Especially for following along here for the ride!! I love seeing new reader numbers go up and never in a million years would I have thought I had readers from diff parts of the world how fregging awesome is that!

I Just really hope you Loves know how much you mean to me and I KNOW I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!

IM SORRY!!!!!!!!!! You guys have been asking me what the heck was goin on, Im sorry I havent been able to reply back to you but yes! Its been for ever and a day since I last posted and believe me Ive missed this soooo much!!!! But between recovery mode and trying to get things back on track on top of the stress of not knowing the results at the time, I was a mess and I wont lie it was a really dark time for me and my family. Its never fun when it comes time to wait for results but Im back now and Im on a roll!!!!!

A special Thanx Goes out to Peter Ruiz, was such a fun photoshoot!

And of course a special thank you to JJ as well love ya guys!!

Although this is great news I still have 2-3 years before im out of the woods on this one, to make sure its completely gone but as I once said before

" I dont no where tomorrow will lead or even next year, I could live till im old or die when im young but on things for sure is I will never stop fighting." - Liv Vee

Also Today I want to wish my Daddy A Happy B day!!

I love you so much!!!!

  

Its been a while

Well Loves

Im back!!!!!!

Believe me when I say

                                There is sooo much to feel you guys in its total madness over load!!

As you all know last I was on here I was on my way to get the stem cell transplant.

Well I did it!!!

I hope and pray to God I never havet to go through that or anything close to that again in my life!

It was the most . . . . I dont even have words to describe what a NIGHTMARE it all was.

Although it could be the very thing that saves me it was the hardest set of treatment I have ever had to go through!

Here was the run down :

(Well from what I remember)

* Chemo was given to me for 6 days straight

*On the 6th day was the strongest chemo they could possibly give me and it was hell!!

On top of feeling like crap in between chemos needing blood transfusions or other types of infusions, or feeling nauseous they make you eat ice before during and after the chemo. This is to prevent getting mouth sores in your mouth and stomach, well I ate ice by the bucket and alot of good that did me because I still got the sores in my mouth and in my stomach!

* Day 7 Stem Cell Transplant

I had a goal of 5 million and lended up with 6 bags of my own stem cells.

everything was through IV and through my pik line.

Getting the stems cells was soooooooo uncomfortable, It felt like someone would punch me in the stomach as hard as they could then straight after along with a tidal wave of the worst Nausea!!

(Ugh! even talking bout it now with flash backs its getting me sick!! Traumatized YES!!!!!)

Since I had so many bags it took hours, and on top of it it was longer because my pik line was sluggish. The stem cells kept getting stuck in the tubing.

But after a coule of hours I was done and the funny thing is Ice cream, potato chips and cottage cheese was what helped me through it hahahaha!! weird combo but it did! I still dont even know how I ate my way through that!?

* Day 8 Is where it starts to get foggy

I was on sooooooo many meds through IV it look like a horror movie.

They had so many bags with different things, to push my IV machine I needed help.

eventually my immune system dropped extremely low and It got so bad I lended up in the ICU.

*ICU

OOOOOMGOOOOOOOSH!!!!!!

Worse days ever!!!!!!!

I was so weak with a fever and my blood pressure was very low along with a low heart rate.

They started to rush me in to the ICU and that was HELL too!!!

At that point I just remember crying alot and just feeling soooooo sick, although this is something I wish I wouldnt havet to say I really thought at times I wasnt going to make it. I felt soooo weak I could bearly move, I couldnt even get up to use the restroom.

YESSSSSSSS . . . .

Its exactly what it sounds like I had to be in bed and have nurses come and help me use a bed pan.

Now yes this is tooo much info and to some its shocking or weird to hear but this is exactly what happens and not just to me but so many in a hospital, its not like we want random pepole you dont know coming in and having you use a pan for a restroom. Although at that point I was so sick I didnt even care.

They had to put a catheter which is a tube that goes into the bladder so that instead of peeing normal goes through a tube and into a bag. This was because I couldnt walk any more and to get out of bed to use the restroom was out of the question so had no other choice.

UUUUUUGGGGHHH!!!!!!

I hated it!!! I still remember them shoving that thing in me and it HUUUUUURT!!!

I dont even think they did it right because it didnt even work and at one point I remember screaming at my nurse to take it out because it hurt so bad and thank GOD they did!!!!

Basically loves I was in the ICU for 2 days and that was one of the worst experiences of my life!

I was released back in my regular room for a day or 2 when I was told that my numbers where so high (shocking) and was going to get released early!!!!!

Words could not explain the excitment I had hearing that news knowing that 2 days before I was in ICU at my worst and now I was coming home!!!!

Totally an Alice in Wonderland moment where I cried so much I was swimming in my own tears! But at least they were happy tears that time!!!!

TOTAL : 2 and 1/2 weeks in the hospital.

Ive been home now for a lil over a week and im in Recovery! 

Its been extremely hard I wont lie, but im just soooo glad to be home.

Im still in a really big fogg from all the meds I was on and are still on, you look on my fridge and it looks like a damn pharmacy with pill containers every where.

Im still extremely nauseous at times but thank God its not all day every day like it was, at one point

food doesnt taste like anything and if it does I can only eat a lil at a time and for a while up untill the other day i was only able to hold it down for an hour or 2 before I got sick.

You hear people say " Im so hungry I could eat a whole cow."

I sooooooooo understand and Im sooooooooooooo hungry!!!!

I literaly could eat a whole cow so pleaaaaaase someone give me a hamburger im starving!!!

I miss food soooo much!!!!!

I miss feeling full and the taste of all sorts of food.

My stomachs getting better with each passing day so I cant complain buuuuuut . . . .  Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh Im sooooo hungry!!!!!

All together I have lost a total of 20 pounds these last 2 weeks its weird, I feel it but im sooo swollen off the meds its still hard to see what exactly my body really looks like weight wise its just really weird.

My body hates me right now and I hate it more!!!!!

I feel like crap and look it as well.

I miss having hair, eyebrows, dressing up, going out, eating I miss being normal!!

Its hard not to be depressed at this point especially because I need to be at home for a total of 100 days which is fine better than the hospital, but it scares me knowing I could go back at any sec maybe.

Will I need a blood transfusion (SCAREY now that I dont have a pik line its all done by needle) will I have an fever infection???? I basically have a lower immune system than everyone so thats not so comfurting at times. I mean its getting better back to normal, but the fact that if theres any one sick or if I get food poisioning or an infected cut there ill be back in the place where I hate the most, so lets hope none of that happens!!!!

Basically Ill be bubble girl for a while hahahahaha!!!

I have a CAT scan in a month and the big PET scan in 2.

Its scarey waiting to see if this worked . . .  but with the support of my family and you loves I know ill be ok.

So here we go loves,

On to the next Adventure RECOVERY!!!

I just want to take the time out to thank everyone for attending the benefits that have been going on and to my family!!!!! And of course to you loves!!!!

For all the support and love!!!!!

ESPECIALLY

TO

MY

I thank God every day and still its not and will never be enough!!!

You where and are there every single day at my bed side helping me walk feeding me when I couldnt move, there holding my hand when I said I couldnt make it through. You where there by my side telling me it was ok and that I would make it. You are an amayzing Women Mother daughter and wife, for eveything you do and have done over the years you are the defintion of what a Great Mother is. Some may try to compare or act like they are but no one will ever understand the amount of respect and love I have for you for being the kind of mother you are

I love you

                                                             


 Hey Loves!!!Holy Moly has it been a while since I last posted!It feels like for ever and now that I finally feel good and have energey to try posting it never fails its back to another chemo round and the next part of my treatments.

Buuuuut on the bright side guess what?! I got the first part of my stem cell treatment out of the way YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

So basically loooooooooong story short the last I updated you guys was that i was going back in for a third round of chemo but what I Never got to mention was I got soooooo sick this time and thats why I've been out for a while!

Shortly after coming home after that last round of chemo my blood count dropped so low I lended up getting rushed to the hospitol.

I started of with a 103.4 fever and as soon as I got to the hospital I went into shock.

It took 2 nurses and my Mom to try and hold me down because my body was shaking so much ugh!

Seriously one of the most scariest moments in my life questioning if I would make it through or not, but thank God helped me through and was able to get through it.

They lended up getting my blood count back to normal after 4 blood transfusions a whole lot of platlets, magnesium, potassuim, and a whole load of antibiotics. It was then I was able to start the stem cell harvest!

They collected 5 million stem cells and I was able to come home for a couple of days but now its time to go back :( waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!

Its really hard leaving when you know what you are walking into and im dreading it!

Especially because today is my Beautiful nieces birthday and it breaks my heart knowing I cant be with her today!!!!

Shes like a daughther to me and Ive never been away from her more than a week, and here I go leaving her on her birthday for a month!

Well loves gotta go im late wish me good luck!!

Untill next time!

Make sure to check out the new youtube vid!!!!.
Youtube Name: Liv Vee



A new beginning and a Time to Believe

Well loves its finally here and its time to fight the BIG fight!

It's time for round 3 Chemo and off to the stem cell treatment this week.

It's crazy to think that this week will hit a year that I've been in this battle against cancer.

So much has happened and there has been so much I've learned from this experience, my life was changed for ever and it will never be the same.

Tomorrow will be the next step in this journey of mine and I won't stop until I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm tired, I'm scared, hungry, thirsty, in pain and my body is starting to work against me. I will crawl my way if I have to but I'm a lil over half way done with treatments and it's time to get this done and get results, no matter how much I wanna run away out of fear.

There is no running away from this when the very thing you hate the most and causes you misery lives and grows inside of you. It's a constant reminder every time I look in the mirror when I see someone i don't recognize.

When I was told that I had 6 months to get treatment I needed before it was terminal, the first thing I thought of was leaving my family. My worst fear is losing the ones I love.

Would it hurt to die, will I feel my heart slow down and feel my heart stop beating?

Well you know what excuse my language but fuck cancer and the negative thoughts that come with it.

It's human to be nervous or scared but fear is evil and Hope rules all.

When strength fails, love fades, and faith is starting to dim it's hope that will come and light the flames that burned out!

I have Faith and hope that even though I will be going through this intense transplant that i will be cured.

I have been through (rough estimate lost count)

 5 Pet scans

Over 6 cat scans 

2 surgical biopsies 

Over 4 X-rays 

7 rounds of chemo

Radiation

4 trips to the ER

3 MRIs

Surgical pik line

Blood work every week at least once or more

And in one day at times can be poked up to 3 or more times.

Lost count of shots and what ever else I'm missing.

All this and what's to come has and will happen for a reason, and what ever that reason is its what God's plan for me is.

So no matter how many tears fall it will all be worth it.

Until I'm able to write again loves take care,

And know that I'll be fighting so that one day soon ill be able to post that i'am cancer free!!!!

Pretty Low

Hey Loves!

I hope you are all well and had a great holiday!

It's been to long I've been away, and not very happy bout that. :(

It's been really hard round here lately, and it seems that every chemo session I have now is more worse than the last and takes even longer to get back my strength.

As much as I try to keep positive and stay focused, I be lying if I said its not getting harder to try and do so. It frustrates me knowing that I'm starting to break and that's not ok to me at all.

I knew going into these next treatments  was going to be hard but not at all was I ready for what was to come physically especially mentally.

Going through the type of chemo I did before does not even come close to how these are, and it scares me each time I pack up and get ready to go to the hospital and do it all over again.

Now like I've said before I believe everything happens for a reason and I will never stop fighting, but I'm only human and sometimes I'm not always at my best. 

I write this loves not for sympathy, but to show more of an inside look of things because no matter how positive a person is no ones perfect and we all have our down fall moments.

My worst fear is to lose myself in this and it's feeling like i'am lately and its making 

me feel PRETTY LOW.

I feel like a completely diff person at times, and I know that it's not the real me! It has to be the chemo from all the damn meds/hormones. I've been having extreme mood swings feeling high all the time having hallucinations and they have been causing nothing but trouble for me. This negative I hate the world person annoys the crap out of me and the words that come out of my mouth Sometimes i don't even know where it's coming from any more.

It's not me and I'm drowning in doubts and fears.

I can't help but feel selfish and disappointed in myself, who am I to complain about anything, I know better. 

I've been in my room all day in bed and still don't feel like leaving, even writing this disgust me I can't just shake this cloudy feeling. Then to make matters worse I drag my family into this which kills me because they have to deal with all this and worry.

                                            I lash out in fustration and it's not fair to them.

Sometimes i feel It's better to be alone and deal with it than to involve them, It's my disease so I should be the only one to suffer not them.

For a long time it was easy to just move along, nothing that came at me really pushed me to my limit, but hearing that this chemo isn't working as much as it should be again just shot me down.

Time and time again "it's not working as much or as we'll as it should." How do you learn to be ok with it and not be scared. I believe God will not give more than you can handle but sometimes it's really hard!!!!!!! 

Staring at the same four walls for The past YEAR along with staring out my window is still of what's to come the next couple of months, and to be honest as much as that drives me crazy not being able to go out and live the way I wish, even being home is a blessing being in the hospital is what is killing me. 

I'll be going to get the stem cell treatment at a hospital for a couple weeks and will be away from my save haven away from everything and everyone I know and love.

 From what im told its going to be extremely hard, will be given the most strongest chemos I could get and alot of other things that terrify me. Why is it that now when I should be at my strongest I'm most shattered and scared. 

BUUUUUUT

No matter what I'll never stop fighting, no matter how scared or fustrated I feel.

It wont be easy and alot of blood sweat and tears ahead,

but I truly believe God has a plan for me and I leave it in his hands.

A Meeting with Hope and a Date with Chemo

Hey loves!!

So guess what!!!

Finally made a youtube account!!!

If you havent already seen I've posted some vids so get ur self on over and check em out!

Im hoping to be able to share and give more of an inside look at what I've been going through and lets face it you loves prob dont want to be reading till your eyes bleed out anymore form all my loooong post hahaha!!

so I thought I start the vids.

Im still new at the whole youtube thing so forgive me for poor quality film lol

I wish I was a pro at maken vids but untill then I'll start with these.

http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCoCveDcg5VR3ztXOx6Hw59Q?feature=watch

As for having that meeting at the hospitol to talk about the stem cell treatment, it went well.

I talk about it in the most recent vid.

Its still scarey knowing that I will go through more chemo and more hard times up ahead, but like I always say it could be worse and I just pray to God that hopfully the out come of things will be that Im cancer free and it will all be worth it in the end!!

Well Loves Chemo is tomorrow and Im dreaaaaading it!!!!

Trying to keep positive and keep focused!!!!

Wish me good luck!!!!

Make sure to add me on Facebook,Instagram,Vine, or KIK

Feel free to write me or ask me questions!

Been getting some really awesome questions so far and I cant wait to Make a vid answering them all!!

Take care loves!!!

Be back soon!!!