Pretty Low

Hey Loves!

I hope you are all well and had a great holiday!

It's been to long I've been away, and not very happy bout that. :(

It's been really hard round here lately, and it seems that every chemo session I have now is more worse than the last and takes even longer to get back my strength.

As much as I try to keep positive and stay focused, I be lying if I said its not getting harder to try and do so. It frustrates me knowing that I'm starting to break and that's not ok to me at all.

I knew going into these next treatments  was going to be hard but not at all was I ready for what was to come physically especially mentally.

Going through the type of chemo I did before does not even come close to how these are, and it scares me each time I pack up and get ready to go to the hospital and do it all over again.

Now like I've said before I believe everything happens for a reason and I will never stop fighting, but I'm only human and sometimes I'm not always at my best. 

I write this loves not for sympathy, but to show more of an inside look of things because no matter how positive a person is no ones perfect and we all have our down fall moments.

My worst fear is to lose myself in this and it's feeling like i'am lately and its making 

me feel PRETTY LOW.

I feel like a completely diff person at times, and I know that it's not the real me! It has to be the chemo from all the damn meds/hormones. I've been having extreme mood swings feeling high all the time having hallucinations and they have been causing nothing but trouble for me. This negative I hate the world person annoys the crap out of me and the words that come out of my mouth Sometimes i don't even know where it's coming from any more.

It's not me and I'm drowning in doubts and fears.

I can't help but feel selfish and disappointed in myself, who am I to complain about anything, I know better. 

I've been in my room all day in bed and still don't feel like leaving, even writing this disgust me I can't just shake this cloudy feeling. Then to make matters worse I drag my family into this which kills me because they have to deal with all this and worry.

                                            I lash out in fustration and it's not fair to them.

Sometimes i feel It's better to be alone and deal with it than to involve them, It's my disease so I should be the only one to suffer not them.

For a long time it was easy to just move along, nothing that came at me really pushed me to my limit, but hearing that this chemo isn't working as much as it should be again just shot me down.

Time and time again "it's not working as much or as we'll as it should." How do you learn to be ok with it and not be scared. I believe God will not give more than you can handle but sometimes it's really hard!!!!!!! 

Staring at the same four walls for The past YEAR along with staring out my window is still of what's to come the next couple of months, and to be honest as much as that drives me crazy not being able to go out and live the way I wish, even being home is a blessing being in the hospital is what is killing me. 

I'll be going to get the stem cell treatment at a hospital for a couple weeks and will be away from my save haven away from everything and everyone I know and love.

 From what im told its going to be extremely hard, will be given the most strongest chemos I could get and alot of other things that terrify me. Why is it that now when I should be at my strongest I'm most shattered and scared. 

BUUUUUUT

No matter what I'll never stop fighting, no matter how scared or fustrated I feel.

It wont be easy and alot of blood sweat and tears ahead,

but I truly believe God has a plan for me and I leave it in his hands.