A Meeting with Hope and a Date with Chemo

Hey loves!!

So guess what!!!

Finally made a youtube account!!!

If you havent already seen I've posted some vids so get ur self on over and check em out!

Im hoping to be able to share and give more of an inside look at what I've been going through and lets face it you loves prob dont want to be reading till your eyes bleed out anymore form all my loooong post hahaha!!

so I thought I start the vids.

Im still new at the whole youtube thing so forgive me for poor quality film lol

I wish I was a pro at maken vids but untill then I'll start with these.

http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCoCveDcg5VR3ztXOx6Hw59Q?feature=watch

As for having that meeting at the hospitol to talk about the stem cell treatment, it went well.

I talk about it in the most recent vid.

Its still scarey knowing that I will go through more chemo and more hard times up ahead, but like I always say it could be worse and I just pray to God that hopfully the out come of things will be that Im cancer free and it will all be worth it in the end!!

Well Loves Chemo is tomorrow and Im dreaaaaading it!!!!

Trying to keep positive and keep focused!!!!

Wish me good luck!!!!

Make sure to add me on Facebook,Instagram,Vine, or KIK

Feel free to write me or ask me questions!

Been getting some really awesome questions so far and I cant wait to Make a vid answering them all!!

Take care loves!!!

Be back soon!!!

Good In with the Bad

Well loves its the early hours of the morn and finally I'm back on!!

Its funny how the only time I really feel I can think clearly or feel safe is at night, even if im kept awake by pain or feeling sick theres just something about night that makes me feel comfortable.

Maybe its the idea of being able to sleep and not remember that im sick, or maybe its the fact that im in such a deep sleep I dont feel pain at that particular time.

Idk but lately I find myself more and more awake at night and praying for better days.

My next round of chemo is tomorrow and I cant help but dread it deep within my guts now.

I hate that the one thing that is hopefully going to save me is the one thing that is destroying me all at the same time.

Im losing my hair for the second time and this time Im losing it all, I was very lucky to have not lost it all last time but unfortunately this time I will. Even though ive gone through this before still doesnt make it any easier.

As well as not being able to walk or think clearly, this last round of chemo is so much more stronger and different than the last sometimes I cant help but feel lost in it all. As i mentioned before, it takes a couple of days for me to come off the medications they give me and also be able to walk or think clearly on my own.

And even when it is a couple of days after chemo I feel like I havent slept for days, but what makes it extremely hard is being kept awake at night by the most worst nausea/vomiting and body aches.

There was times I be awake all night because of pain and wouldnt fall asleep till it was already the next morning.

Also one thing I hate the most out of all this is the passing out spells!!!

I hate feeling so sick to the point of passing out. Im not sure if you loves have ever passed out from feeling so sick but its no bueno and its at least for me one of the most scariest things to go through.

I cant help but get scared when I start to pass out, scared that maybe theres a chance I  wont wake up at all. Now although Im sounding very negative right now loves I only say this to show what exactly has been going on in this here casa of mine for the past 2 weeks since I got chemo

and why I havent been posting as much.

I have my good and bad days, like today was a good day felt a lil sick but was able to make it through the day and go to my meeting at the hospitol and was even able to hang out with some fam and friends!

Its really reaaaaaaaally rare I go out because when your on chemo your immune system goes down and theres such a high risk of catching something and getting sick so im forced to stay at the casa 24/7.

But was given the news my numbers went up so was able to go out at least one night which was awesome!!

The only down fall is since the chemo is already in my system and will be even more in my system again my numbers will drop and Ill be stuck in bed and at home for the next weeks to come.

And I wont lie its extremely depressing at times just because you see or hear everyone going out and having fun when your home stuck in bed or worse at the hospitol while everyone else is out on a friday or saterday night partying.

Even before with the first round of chemo and radiation that I did, I was able to do a whole lot more but even then being able to go out more it was still hard seeing people doing things I know I couldnt do.

Whether it be a girl playing with her long hair, or a couple walking down the street hand in hand or even down to one of the most hardest things,seeing a baby laugh or play.

Uuuuuuuuuuggggh!!!!!!

I want sooo much now to be able to get married and be happy and even have the blessing of having a baby but leave it to cancer to F*ck that up and take it away from me. I mean maybe there is a chance im able to do that some day but from everything that is happening and that is to come its hard to see that happening.

Especially now it hurts soooo much I dont know what hurts more the physical pain of all the cuts and needle pricks and ect or the emotional pain I feel every day now of diff things like that.

Im scared that with these next chemo rounds I'll look and feel crapy and that is the last thing I want.

I know Im sick and of course I will look sick at times but I wont and cant let my self get lost in all of this.

I know im beautiful inside and out not to be self centered, I know im a good person and I care for others I know looks dont count but still doesnt change the fact that I feel selfconscious about how I look.

Ive gained weight from steroids im swelling even more on my face and body and just feel sooooo uncomfortable latley. On top of that Ill have scars and of course no hair.

Buuuuuut as the list can go on I always try to remember it could always be worse, scars will fade and hair will grow back.

Theres still hope for me so really I shouldnt complain but I wont lie its hard sometimes not to get bummed out over things.

 Well loves see you in a couple of hours!! Will be posting about how the meeting at Cedars hospitol went yesterday and will be posting about whats to expect with the stem cell treatment coming up.

Till then sweet dreams loves!!!

Love and Thank You

Hey Loves!!!

Hope you guys are having a lovely morning!

Soooooo whos ready to start the posting madness!!!

I only have today and tomorrow before I go back into chemo again (WAAAAAHH!!)

so I decided to post all day today and tomorrow and to try and feel you guys in on with whats been happening!!

Im really bummed about not being able to post as much as I used to, due to being sick off chemo but STILL I will try and push through when ever I can to post, especially now that I kinda have an idea of what I will feel now, It will be a couple of days for me to regain my strength but I will be back no matter what!!

So on that note!!!!

There are some things that I NEED and have been NEEDING to be adressed!!!

Before I start updating you on me and my stuff,

As I mentioned before Im a lucky gal  for not only having just my biological parents but both set of grand parents who are like another Mother and Father to me!!!

Although my Nana and Tata have passed away I know they are still watching over me,

and Im sooooo thankful to still have my grandma Terry and Grandpa Phil here still with me.

I love my grandparents and theres nothing I wouldnt do for them!

I want and wish I could do so much more and I miss going to see them as much as I did when I was younger!!!

My grandparents have always been nothing but supportive and are always there for all their Grandchildren.

Always helping out when we need help and for my fam who is reading this we all know GMA TERRY, doesnt matter if its a award at school or a new dog she makes a party to celebrate anything we do and they are always THE BEST!!!

Its always better at Grandma's house hahaha!!!

My grandparents help me out in so many ways I cant even write them all down here.

Grandama I know you'll be seeing this so I just wanted to take the time to say how much I love you and Grandpa and I thank God that I have you guys each and every day!

I love you so much and you have always been there for me and still continue to be.

You are always coming over to help and I wish I could show you how much it means to me!!!

And Grandpa hahaha I love him sooooo much and I know he wont read this but please tell him for me!!!

I miss seeing you and I cant wait to make it through this so I can come over and visit more!!!!!

I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Also I want to mention my Godparents who have been so supportive through this tough time, and I just want to say thank you and I love you!!!

My Nina is one of the ones who also comes over to help and visit and it means the world to me!!!

OOOOOOOOOMGooooosh!!!  I have sooooo many fam memebers I need to thank sooo the list will on!!!

to be continued . . . .  hahahaha!!

But for now  loves Im rushing through time right now!!!

 I have to get my self on over to LA right now to go visit Cedar Cyanide. This will be the hospitol hopefully I will be doing my stem cell treatment at so have a meeting there today!

I will be back later today to post more and the posting madness begins Now!!!

SHOUT OUTS!!!!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH TO

OHS!!!

Thank you loves sooo much for writting poems and for making a fundraiser!!!

I was soooooo bummed I wasnt able to go because my immune system dropped and wasnt feeling well,

but thank you for my lil sis lexy for feeling in for me and to you loves thank you for taking time out to go and participate and make it all happen!!!!! It means the world to me that I have your love support and prayers!!!!!!!

Thanx to Hugo for starting all this I loved it!!!!!!

And also a huge thank you to my cousin

Dr. Robin Harkins

who spoke at the event!

He specializes in Chiropractic & Functional Medicine

so go on and check out his website for details!

www.DoctorHarkins.com

Also last and not least before I go a HUUUGE THANK goes out to

Kns Keyisilky!!!!!

They have been showing nothing but love and a support and it means so much to me!!!!!

Thank you guys you rock!!!!

make sure to follow them on facebook!!!

Ok loves soooo im off to go to the Cedar meeting so I shall be back soon!!

Happy Fathers Day!!

Hey Loves Hope you are all having a Lovely day!!

Its been again crazy in this here casa of mine and boy do I got loooaaads to tell ya!!!

So be ready these next couple of days! I'll be posting like crazy to catch you loves up on everything!!

I got sick these last couple of days since I last posted and since then have some

 Bad/Good News.

Buuuuuuuut for Today is Fathers day and it is only right for me to pay my Respect to

My daddy and dedicate todays post to him!!!

This right here is the Dade-o and although he will hate im putting him on here I dont care haha!!

One thing Im most thankful for is having my Dad here still with us.

He's been through alot and even with accidents and difficult health problems he still fights the pain he feels each day and trials that always come his way and puts on a strong smile to face the day.

NOW, for those of you that know this guy we all know how Verbal this man really is and all know that back in the day and still some what (ALOT) now speaks his mind!!!!!!!!!!! 

and if you think your gonna try and walk all over him think again cause your ass will be grass.

Fo realz loves not even playin my Dad is crazy hard core you can ask anybody that knows him

Hahahahahahahaha!!!

Only if you rub him the wrong way tho hes not aways like that in fact when ever I have friends that meet him I lend up wondering if they are his friends or my friends cause every one always ask about him hahaha!!

But my point is that Im told I take after my Dad and Im very luck to say that Im proud of that fact!

Im proud to be like my dad for many reasons.

He is one of the most strongest men I have ever met literally, Im proud that my Dad has always stuck by my Mom's side over the years and has always shown nothing but support for his three girls.

He worked 15 hour shifts to help support His family untill he was disabled from injuring his back and was told that from the damage that was done to nerves and to spine he would be in a wheel chair for life and would not be able to walk. 

He has fought his way through MANY and I mean MANY surgeries and through it all there is no wheel chair for him to sit in thank God!! He has been walking this whole entire time.

Although his pack pain and health problems are chronic not once have I ever seen my dad show us that he is in pain, and no matter what he is always there to every docs appointment or award or anything that he can to show us his support and that he cares.

Hes the one man I know who always has and will protect me and never leave my side.

Love you Daddy!!!

Always and Forever,

Livy

XOXOXOX

Guess What!!!

Hey loves!

I'm back!!

Its been one week since yesterday I started chemo and I finally feel well enough to get myself up on here and finally post!! Yaaay!!

Let me tell ya its been crazy round this here Casa of mine!!

I first just want to thank you loves for all the nice comments and msgs and letters that were sent to me!

I want to thank you all one by one but I dont want to leave out or miss anyone so PLEASE KNOW to all of you!!

You know who you are and I KNOW every single one of you who has written to me or showed support and who have kept me in your prayers and I just want to say thank you it means so much to me and all the words in the world still wont show how much I appreciate it all.

They make me smile every time I see them and makes me feel special!! It's all your support that helps me get through this rough time.

This round of chemo was rough and I cant help but DREAD going back soon for the next 3 day round.

I woke up thursday morning at 6 packed and was ready to go.

Went for a brain MRI and thank GOD everything came back good!!

Waited to get admitted to the hospitol at 10 but was told room wasnt ready, long story short room wasnt ready till the next day and A.) Was happy to have more time to get ready

Buuut then B.) Fustrated Nervouse and Anxious having more time on my hands to freak out on what was about to go on.

So as the next morn came up on me I was called in at ten and was ready to go!

OH WAIT!!

"Sorry hun but your room isnt ready come back in like in 1hour."

Soooo again went to get something super light to eat and right as Im enjoying probably what I thought would be my last satisfying meal, I get a call.

Your rooms ready we've been waiting . . . .

So FINALLY!!!

was admitted and it was time for the PIC LINE!!

(Im sorry if your squemish!!!)

The pic line is basically a lil tube that goes into the vein and goes up through the arm into the chest into the main vein for the heart so that its faster and easier for the chemo to go threw. Rather than havin a needle in your arm 24/7 and having your veins get irratated.

I decided to have this put in and my doc agreed as well and to be honest although it may be uncomfortible at times and hurt while getting it BELIVE ME ITS SOOO WORTH IT!!

From my last chemo my veins arent that strong any more and my veins tend to blow out!! Which basically feels like your vein is gonna pop and is on fire!!

(DOES NOT HAPPEN TO EVERYONE)

So those who may read this who are a Cancer patient or who may go into chemo for the first time dont worry about the side effects or the stuff I may have or talk about because everyone is different and you may not experience it. And to those who may possibly get it, know that no matter how scarey it is your not alone and that they give you plenty of numbing meds so you wont feel a thang!!

For me unfortunatly with my luck, I was that 1 out of every 5 that it didn't go through all the way so had to roll me all the way down stairs to the ER to get it fixed.

 You are awake through this procedure but I think from the bone marrow test to the 2 biopsy procedures its been prep for me for these kinda scarey uncomfortible situations unfortunatly haha. I mean regardless you feel things that hurt like a BEEP BEEP BEEP but like I said they give you numbing meds to calm it down. Although you cant really feel it there is a bit of some what alot of pressure and lil sharp pains here and there and really sore.

But any ways that was done and it was CHEMO TIME!!

I was ok for a couple of hours was able to eat the horrible hospitol food ha!

And was sort of able to sleep that night but was soooooo hard to be hooked up to the IV and because I was sharing a room had to walk what felt like a QAZILLLION miles to the bathroom and uuuuugh it was the worst!!!

I was told when in a chemo like that you get your own room?  BUT long story short shared a room and there was some stressful stuff that went on which I wont get into but got through it even though it was hard and especially the fact that I could bearly walk didnt make it any easier!

Pee in cups

Shots

Blood draws

EXTREME Leg and Stomach cramps

Not being able to sleep or really walk

Not being able to keep down anything and unforunatly Nausea and all that grows horrible stuff

about somes it up those three days I was there.

Coming home was a whoooole new Journey!

I just want to take a special Moment to thank my sisters, parents, also my Tia who came down to help. Especially my Mommy who was there all day every day  at the hospital helping me walk even when I got home.

She was there rubbing my legs when they ached, there when I would get nauseated and couldnt keep anything down. When passing out, she was there to help me come out of it,  and as much as I hated to have my family see me at my worst she helped me take showers and use the restroom. I mean there was stuff I could do on my own but the fact that I couldnt walk without falling or feeling like I was gonna pass out made it hard.

It took A couple of days before the pain from the all the body aches, pic line and for me to walk but I was REEEEEAAAAAAL HAAAAAPPY and thankful that I finally could eat and walk on my own!!!!!

PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!

FIRST MEAL I WAS ABLE TO KEEP DOWN!!!!!!!

(on like the 4rth or 3rd day I was back home)

Soooooooooo goood!!! A lil Chicken broth and a lil cheez-its was the beeeeest!!!

soooo goood to me hahaha!!!

Im not gonna lie and suger coat it and say it wasnt that bad, There was ALOT of pain and tears feeling like your passing out not being able to walk and all that stuff  BUUUUUUUUT

that part doesnt last for ever and when you get that moment to finally Have the drink of water or that one lil bit of food that you can eat after what sometimes is 3 to 4 days and actually keep it down. I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO THANKFUL WHEN IT CAME TIME FOR ME TO WALK AND EAT AGAIN!!!!

Even if it was liquid and a bit of crackers. At that moment no expensive dinner or candy or Beer or any thing could top that feeling of eating and being satisfied.

It reminded me of how just the other day I was complaining of not knowing what to eat.

Made me feel selfish that I would complain like that, knowing when theres other cancer patients who go through worse or even those who cant even afford water or food.

Its Trials and journeys like this that have changed my life in this experience and has made me see the world differently. To see feel and learn stuff like that through this,

and really learn to appreciate things and life (NOT THAT I DIDNT BEFORE) but Today I will tell you!!!

I may have and will continue to Fight for my life and although its DAMN hard Blood Sweat And Tears My life is worth saving AS WELL AS ANY LIFE.

NO LIFE IS WORTH NOT SAVING.

No matter what hard times your going through loves,

 belive me I know what its like to feel and live at times, in what feels like hell, and as much as this world has evil in it and we think we are in the most worst darkest place, theres always worse situations.

 We all have a purpose in life and will not leave till that is completed.

There are horrible things like murders and accidents that I pray to God that will be less of or even none at all!! But No matter how a person is taken from this world,  when talking to they're families and friends, that person changed their lifes in some special way and has touched others. They made a difference.

Enjoy your life no matter what, because its the only one you get and its up to you to Enjoy life and decide on how youll want to be remembered and use the troubles in your life that you go through to maybe help or even SAVE someone else.

Its stories like these that have been shared of this beautiful strong baby girl

who help inspire me and keep me going!!!

To those cancer patients who may see this, know your not alone and that you have my total support and its stories like yours that inspire me to keep going! We can fight this and we can do it!

No matter how hard things get you have to believe and know theres always hope!!

NO REGRETS JUST LOVE