Well loves its the early hours of the morn and finally I'm back on!!
Its funny how the only time I really feel I can think clearly or feel safe is at night, even if im kept awake by pain or feeling sick theres just something about night that makes me feel comfortable.
Maybe its the idea of being able to sleep and not remember that im sick, or maybe its the fact that im in such a deep sleep I dont feel pain at that particular time.
Idk but lately I find myself more and more awake at night and praying for better days.
My next round of chemo is tomorrow and I cant help but dread it deep within my guts now.
I hate that the one thing that is hopefully going to save me is the one thing that is destroying me all at the same time.
Im losing my hair for the second time and this time Im losing it all, I was very lucky to have not lost it all last time but unfortunately this time I will. Even though ive gone through this before still doesnt make it any easier.
As well as not being able to walk or think clearly, this last round of chemo is so much more stronger and different than the last sometimes I cant help but feel lost in it all. As i mentioned before, it takes a couple of days for me to come off the medications they give me and also be able to walk or think clearly on my own.
And even when it is a couple of days after chemo I feel like I havent slept for days, but what makes it extremely hard is being kept awake at night by the most worst nausea/vomiting and body aches.
There was times I be awake all night because of pain and wouldnt fall asleep till it was already the next morning.
Also one thing I hate the most out of all this is the passing out spells!!!
I hate feeling so sick to the point of passing out. Im not sure if you loves have ever passed out from feeling so sick but its no bueno and its at least for me one of the most scariest things to go through.
I cant help but get scared when I start to pass out, scared that maybe theres a chance I wont wake up at all. Now although Im sounding very negative right now loves I only say this to show what exactly has been going on in this here casa of mine for the past 2 weeks since I got chemo
and why I havent been posting as much.
I have my good and bad days, like today was a good day felt a lil sick but was able to make it through the day and go to my meeting at the hospitol and was even able to hang out with some fam and friends!
Its really reaaaaaaaally rare I go out because when your on chemo your immune system goes down and theres such a high risk of catching something and getting sick so im forced to stay at the casa 24/7.
But was given the news my numbers went up so was able to go out at least one night which was awesome!!
The only down fall is since the chemo is already in my system and will be even more in my system again my numbers will drop and Ill be stuck in bed and at home for the next weeks to come.
And I wont lie its extremely depressing at times just because you see or hear everyone going out and having fun when your home stuck in bed or worse at the hospitol while everyone else is out on a friday or saterday night partying.
Even before with the first round of chemo and radiation that I did, I was able to do a whole lot more but even then being able to go out more it was still hard seeing people doing things I know I couldnt do.
Whether it be a girl playing with her long hair, or a couple walking down the street hand in hand or even down to one of the most hardest things,seeing a baby laugh or play.
Uuuuuuuuuuggggh!!!!!!
I want sooo much now to be able to get married and be happy and even have the blessing of having a baby but leave it to cancer to F*ck that up and take it away from me. I mean maybe there is a chance im able to do that some day but from everything that is happening and that is to come its hard to see that happening.
Especially now it hurts soooo much I dont know what hurts more the physical pain of all the cuts and needle pricks and ect or the emotional pain I feel every day now of diff things like that.
Im scared that with these next chemo rounds I'll look and feel crapy and that is the last thing I want.
I know Im sick and of course I will look sick at times but I wont and cant let my self get lost in all of this.
I know im beautiful inside and out not to be self centered, I know im a good person and I care for others I know looks dont count but still doesnt change the fact that I feel selfconscious about how I look.
Ive gained weight from steroids im swelling even more on my face and body and just feel sooooo uncomfortable latley. On top of that Ill have scars and of course no hair.
Buuuuuut as the list can go on I always try to remember it could always be worse, scars will fade and hair will grow back.
Theres still hope for me so really I shouldnt complain but I wont lie its hard sometimes not to get bummed out over things.
Well loves see you in a couple of hours!! Will be posting about how the meeting at Cedars hospitol went yesterday and will be posting about whats to expect with the stem cell treatment coming up.
Till then sweet dreams loves!!!
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