Chemo Round #2 And No matter what Your Always Beautiful

Well Loves its here and theres unfortunatly

no where to turn or run

its round #2 Chemo time and theres no stopping it.

I've been trying for the past couple of days to spend as much time as I possibly can with my family before I go into chemo this Thursday but its been hard!

Theres some of my family members I havent seen since before getting diagnosed and seeing them made me so happy yet sad all at the same time. Happy to see them because I missed them so much but yet sad that once again I havet to go into hiding and into a cave. I will be separated once again from them and its hard to know all the things that I will be missing out on this summer.

It scares me that from here on out I will be going through nothing but treatments for the next couple of months. The plan is to do the #2 rounds of chemo in the hospitol for three days come for 28 then go back for three days and due testing all over again.

Depending on the results if we get the cancer to a lower number they will then be able to do the stem cell treatment. If not there will be even more treatments to lower the cancer numbers so that the stem cell plan can be done. Knowing that procedure alone takes 3 months to maybe even longer kills me!

Im sooooo close to my parents and sisters that I cant even imagine being without them. Not to mention leaving my neice and nephew . . . Uuuugh!!! I just cant even think about it yet. We all have the craziest fun at the casa its just hard to know ill be missing out on time with them for months. I know I havet to start preparing myself but even when it does come I still wont be ready.

The best advice I get and try to tell myself is just take it day by day. Hour by hour and minute by minute.

These next 62 days I know will be hard re-losing my hair, feeling soo sick waaay beyond probebly I have ever felt before in my life and fear of not looking or being myself. Pluse not even gonna get into all the side effects that were mentioned to me, except for example the whole wheel chair thing which im not to happy about.

Its scares me. I dont want to change or lose myself in this.

And not to you Loves

but for the ones who

I know some people say "oh she doesnt look sick, or why is she writting a blog she looks fine. Why is she complaining?"

I may look normal and may look that im fine but obviously with the word CANCER and the fact that I have it should say it all. Just because I wear a wig and dress up as much as I can when I have the strength doesnt mean Im not in pain or not a cancer patient. You see pictures of me looking some what normal but  you dont see my every day life routines.

For whats to come of re-losing my hair possibly losing or gaining a whole load of weight watching and feeling my body crumble from the inside out, who are you to talk and say that Im fine.  What?! I cant try and dress up every once and a while and try to feel good about myself. No, i dont need a Wig or make up or fancy cloths to prove i'm a beautiful person inside and out, but so what if I wear wigs and make up most of the time katy perry and Lady Gaga do it and they even have their own hair.

As I said before I plan on making and putting videos up soon on whats happening and how hard it is not just for me and what I'm going through but to show a lil peek of what exactly ALL cancer patients havet to go through. Some have it worse than others and to me whether we wear a wig no wig gained weight or lost weight we are all beautiful.

And to those cancer patients that are reading this know no matter what you look like or how you feel, know you are beautiful inside and out no matter what they say or who trys to put you down!

Sweet And Amazing

So as of lately its been getting hard, harder to breathe,sleep or even walk alot anymore.

Last night was one of the worst pains I have ever felt, my whole body was hurting and it felt like my body was giving out on me.

The more days come and go the more tired and more pain I'm in. Now with the biopsy done it does worry me knowing that these next few months will be pretty much hell going through chemo again.

But as much as it sucks, theres so much good that has come out of this expeirence (belive it or not) that I feel selfish to complain. 

I once heard a cancer patient say that even though it was one of the most worst things in life she had ever had to go through, she was so thankful for the experience and the things she learned that she would do it all over again.

At first its hard to belive that anyone would be thankful for having cancer or the horrible things physically that come with it, but more than ever now I totally understand.

Today when logging on face book, KIK, Instagram and especially this here Blog I couldnt believe it!! I had soooo many loving comments and msgs from so many people they all were so SWEET AND AMAZING!

The blog is now at over a lil 2,000 page veiws and the fact that I've been getting so much love and support and even being able to reach out and speak to other cancer patients is just so awesome and blowing my mind!!

When I first decided to start this blog, I started not to get sympathy or have people feel bad for me but in hope that maybe someone just even one person that would stumble upon this would be inspired and become more aware about not only my type of cancer but all cancers. That maybe another cancer patient would see this and know their not alone. That even someone who has another type of illness and is fighting for good health is not alone.

All of us have our own battles to fight whether it be cancer, alzheimers,depression or even every day life problems. But its those hard times and rough situations that build us up and into stronger people, its up to us to use what weve learned from our expierences and to help eachother out.

As much as I hate having to go through this I wont ever regeret or wish I had another path. I now understand and also agree that I have to learned soooo much from this journey. To wish it never happend I would have never been able to meet or talk to the amazing people that I have beacuse of this journey. I may have even drifted from my dreams, or driffted away from knowing what was important in life.

Im so blessed that you loves give me so much love and support and especially HOPE. Also Im so happy and thankful that you loves take the time out to write me and keep reading these posts.

It means so much to me

and

I just want to say thank you!!!!!!!

Also a very huge thank you goes out to Hugo Centeno

and to all the Team Boss Army for all the love and support that you have been sending my way!!

You guys are to Sweet and Awesome!!!

Make sure to check out and support Hugo and become part of the Team Boss Army!!

www.HugoCenteno.com

Good News!!!

Hey Loves!

Guess what!!!!

Biopsy #2 was successful!!

Yaaaaay!! Whooooot!! Whooot!!

Thank God for pulling me through this and having me come out ok!!!

I was soooo scared that this one would fail too and that I was going to have to go through the major surgery (breaking of the ribs) and them get a sample that way.

But it was all good news and Im over the moon excited about the results it was so worth it!!!

Although it hurt like a mother *BEEEEEEP*

and I was awake for it the whole time Im sooo glad that I still decided to go through with it. Not that I prob had a choice haha!!

Here was the Run Down:

Biopsy # 2 is a CT guided Biopsy.

Basically I would be awake throught this because I would have to work with the doc and nurses on my breathing technique. Every time I take a breathe they would insert a the needle deeper and deeper till they reached one of the tumors. Then they would extract a sample and that sample would get tested and would determine what kind of chemo I would need and to see how out of control the cancer is.

Well as you can tell being awake through this was kinda scarey but thank gooodness for the numbing shots!! They were my best friends today!!!!

Some parts werent as painful but some parts were!! Holy Moly!! But I think what helped prep me for this was the bone marrow test I had a while ago. Its hard to explaine but its a diff kind of pain, its alot of pressure pain mixed with some burning/sharp pains. Although I wanted to burst out a cry some of the time I kept it together and prayed the whole entire time!! I thank God for getting through this!! I concentrated so hard when it hurt and the next thing I knew they were done!!!

After all that pain and discomfurt im still feeling I was very surprised to see what the sample looked like hahaha!!!

DRUM  ROLLLLLLLLLLL!!!

You Loves ready!? Its not as bad as you think I promise!

TAH DAH!!!!!!

I was shocked when they said they got a really good sample I expected like somethin really big and grows, I mean it still was grows but so small!!

For that amount of pain I was like thats it??!!!

More than ever staring at that sample piece knowing that was the very thing that is growing inside me trying to take me down and destroy me made me feel the flames of anger rage inside me!!!

More than ever Im ready to take on this damn Bastard out!!!

You may have made me weak gnawing at me from the inside out

but even now IM STILL HERE!!! I wont go down without a fight

and cancer better be pissing in its pants because for every drop of chemo and treatments to come No matter how weak I get or much it hurts Ill be laughing knowing your the one now getting destroyed!!!!!!

The Great Escape and the Misery that Always Follows

Hey Loves!

Hope you all Have been having a good weekend!!

Im sorry I've been cutting back on posting, its been getting harder to do anything as of lately without hurting or being extremly tired.

But even so that wont stop me from getting my self all up on here and letting you loves know whats been going on round here.

As you know I just got approved for Med-ical and Im so happy that after a year of being denied that I finally got accepted!

Knowing that I'll be able to get the stem cell treatment gives me hope. Its scarey knowing all thats coming with these next 2 rounds of intense chemo but what can you do when its the one thing that may save your life.

Theres been more bad news about a family member passing and more bad news and setbacks that will once again hold me back from getting the clothing line started.

I cant help but get really bummed out over this.

Yesterday we lost a special person in our family and my prayers go out to her family especially her mom who I hate seeing so hurt in this tough time.

Also all the set backs that keep poping up that keeps me from getting the clothing line started is really taking its toll on me.

As I've said before getting this clothing line started means everything to me. My hope and dream is to not only sell my cloths but more IMPORTANT for every purchase that is made there will be a donation going to St.Jude Hospitol

This dream I have has been waiting to come true for far to long now, and the determination is more than ever now burning and running through my body and I wont let this dream go!

My family Is one of the main things I fight for every day but the idea of being able to help with St.Jude is another. Its what helps keep me going when I think I cant go any more.

The thought of a baby or someone younger going through what I do or worse is the hardest thing to even imagine about. If they can do it there is no reason why I cant.

They to me are Heros and some now Angels.

All cancer patients or anyone suffering from a illness fighting for their life or their health is my Hero. 

The countdown for Tuesday's biopsy is a day away now and its time to try and keep focused. Its been hard trying to do so when these last couple of days it seems that more and more fears are just starting to rise and starting to try and drown me.

Whether its a fear of this biopsy not working and having to go through with the a major surgery. Or the thought of them missing and piercing my lung while being awake through everything.

I think the the hardest thing about this is knowing theres no turning back or getting out of this. That once this coming tuesday starts theres nothing but on and on procedures and treatment. I may have been able to just brush off the fears or entertain the idea that I could run away from all this for a while now because it wasnt time or here yet. But its here and its in me any where I go. It follows me and grows in me, theres no where to escape or go but into these treatments they are the only thing that could take this horrible misery that follows me away.

So attempts to try and keep focused it was important to me and my family to make a trip to Westlake and visit the St. Jude church and shrine.

Oh my gosh you guys it was sooo pretty!!!

These pics dont do it justice.

It was there I was given a blessing scarament of the sick and was anointed with oil for the sickness.

 I feel that my trip there was really special and I hope to visit again when Im better!

I feel it was somewhere I needed to go to before these next big treatments and given the blessing I feel ready to go on my next journey now.

Have a good Sunday Loves and enjoy the rest of your weekend!!!

Holy Moly!!

Holy Moly Loves!!!

I have the greatest news to share with you all!!!

I just got a call that Medical has just looked over my case and they have just decided to cover!!!!!

I will be able to get the stem cell treatment!!!!!!

THERES STILL HOPE!!!

Im in such shock right now!!! I've waited almost a year to hear this moment Im not sure if it is all even real right now! I feel like its a really good dream and I'm about to  wake up any second!!! If it is (PLEEEEASE DONT WAKE UP OLIVIA!!!)

Holy Moly is bout the only thing I can say right now!!!

I can't thank you all enough for keeping me in your prayers and for all the love and support I have been getting!!!

I do believe that prayer and faith is one of the most strongest things in this world

and look how it shows!!!

I thank all my family and friends who are still helping with fundraisers to help with medical expenses that medical wont cover!

You have no idea how grateful and blessed Iam for that!!

When I was first told bout the fundraisers I was scared people would be thinking I was begging for money, or even now that Medical is covering most of some things I still have that fear!! The last thing I want people to think Is im selfish or just want money.

Im told that im just over thinking it but to me its important to address that.

Its important to just tell you all how much everything you have done and are doing means the world to me.

The fact you read this here blog and keep me in prayers is just the most amazing thing!!

That is all I could ever ask of is to keep me in your prayers!!!

I thank you all for your support! I hope that in return my journey will help or inspire at least one person!!

Although this is great news, theres still many hard times up ahead and not out

of the dark yet. I accept what is to come and will do my best to get throught it.

No matter what Iwill never regret nor wish that my journey was different.

If this is what is planned for me I hope and pray that the reason is hopefully to help others. For that I would be so proud and happy and I have no problem going through this tough time inorder to get where I need to be to succeed in that.

There May be More Pain

There May be More Needles

But thought of still being here with you

Is what keeps my heart beating.

Beautiful People and A spark of Hope

Hey Loves!

Hope you are having an amazing day!

Well guess what?! Boy do I got some news for ya!

So today was decided that I will be re-doing the biopsy.

We are all hoping that this time it will work!

I will admit this time I'm a lil nervous, just because I know exactly what will be goin on.

Pluse the fact that I'll be awake through this with very low dose of pain meds is maken me wanna piss my pants!

Buuuuut then again to be honest I'm really excited

bout giving this a nother go!

Im reaaaally hoping this time it works because if not I'll be in a bad situation.

A. Because in order for this

not to work would mean they either peirced my lung or B. They went in and still couldnt reach for the tumor due to it being so deep inside the chest wall.

Also another reason to want this to work is if it fails again fo a second time, they will have to do major sugery and break my rib cage to get to the tumors just to get a sample annnd thats no bueno!!! Considering I still need intensive chemo right after that.

Sooo hopefully none of those happen fingers crossed!!!!!

So the count down begins and 6 days till biopsy #2!!!

On the upside of things!!!

Im very exsited to say that my brother-in-law's lovely sister and fam are planning  fundraisers

and all donations will go towards my medical expenses!!!

Also Im so thankful and blessed to also be having people  I dont even know giving me their support and prayers!!

It means soo much to me knowing that there are so many amazing people in this world who offer love and support to those they dont even know to get them through rough times. In my eyes that is a beautiful person not the money they give or anything like that but the support and good vibes they give and go out of their way to show you they care!

I'm so very blessed to have such a supportive and loving family as well as supportive friends.

they mean the world to me and are what keeps me going.

SPECIAL THANK YOU TO

" NETTY MADE THAT "

for making these amazing bows to help support!!

Add her on Instagram @nettymadethat

or get your self on over check out her website!!

Bows go on sale on Friday!

nettymadethat.storenvy.com

Well Loves it was Biopsy #2

And sadly it didnt go well at all . . . .

The Plan was to stick a needle into the chest wall and into one of the chest tumors and extract fluid so that they could run some test to see what type or how strong of chemo I need.

Weeeeeell

As the procedure was going on the doc started to sadate me and started to numb the area they would be going into. I was told they wouldnt be giving me too strong of a dose of the medication to relax me,beacuse if i was to relaxed I wouldnt be able to coroporate.

It hurt a lil and yes I was awake through this procedure but it only hurt a lil and soon they gave me the good stuff and it wasnt so bad. It was nothing compared to the bone marrow test YIIIKES!!!

So basically loong story short they could not go through with the procedure due to the tumor being sooo close to my lung. It was to much of a health risk and would be indanger of getting my lung poked or something else.

As much as I try to stay positive there is always something to come on around and mess up my day or take any hope that I have.

I cant help but feel fustrated and scared knowing that they arent sure what they want or need to do next.

After all this I still have faith and hope, I wont ever give up.

Its just hard when none of the colors ever light up anymore in my world.

Buuuuuuuut I mean hey it could always be worse so Ima slap my self and move on with it!!!! What ever happens theres a reason and Belive me when I saaay Im trying to get the sneek peeks of the clothing line out They are comen!!!!!! So many set backs but who cares nows the time!! When ever soon or faaaar from now when my time comes I want to look back with no regrets this clothing line to me has been my dream for so long and I wont stop pushing for it!!!!!!

 

So Yesterday was Mothers day and it was a lovely day spent with my amayzing beautiful Mom!!!

I can honestly say that my Mom is the most amayzing women in the world I have ever known or layed eyes on!!

You think super women is bad ass, well she aint got notin on my MOM!!!

I could sit here and write about how shes the most beautiful or the most smartest and so on but that wouldnt do her justice shes just so much more than that or any of the complimented words I could come up with in this world.

I not only Love her but have nothing but the most biggest amount of respect for my Mom. Shes been through so much in her life as a child and a women and I commend her for being such a great person and Mother and not ever walking out on us or being consumed by materialistic things or being consumed by dumb things in the world.

She is the most loving and caring women, always going out of her way for her husband kids and family. Always making sure we are ok and going over and beyond than what some mothers due. Even in times we are  in the wrong she Will be there to help catch us when we fail or fall and is never judgmental.

She has always been nothing but supportive and has sacraficed so much for her family to make sure we are all ok and for that I could not express  the amount or love and appreciation that I have for her.

I love her so much for so many reasons, but most of all that I can call her my mom.

I'm very proud that I can call her my Mother. Infact I almost feel guilty that I have such an amayzing mom. It might sound a little selfish or maybe come off a bragging way but if you only knew how amayzing she was you would to!

She is just sooo beautiful inside and out its crazy. She is just so down to earth and has never been the type to be materialistic and would be happy with just a hug and a kiss.

She has been a care taker for my Grandfather (Tata) her dad and for her mom my (Nana) and now unfortunately me.

She has done and sacraficed so much in her life for others she deserves nothing but the best and deserves to just relax and retire and not worry about bills and everything bad that seems to come our way. I cant belive that she has to go through what my sickness is putting her through.

I could careless about what happens to me but to her or my dad and my sisters all I want is for them to be taken care of.

My family means the world to me especially my Mom and Dad.

Now If hes reading this dont get all jelouse I Love you to hahaha!!

My parents have been nothing but supportive and have been helping me through this journey in my life step by step. They have Been to every doctors appointment and every surgery and ER trip.

I will do what ever when ever I can to help them with what ever they need. I will not stop fighting or give up till I know they are taking care of. I love you Mommy and I hope you now that you and dad mean the world to me and theres nothing I wouldnt do for you.

A New Start to the Never Ending Story

\

As much as we wish somethings were true,

Its not enough to make them an reality.

The cancer is back and more worse than before.

There are more tumors that have formed and the pain is only increasing.

To hear this news was one of the worst things I could ever possibly hear.

If treatment is not done within the next 6 months I will be taken down by this damn sickness fom hell.

Due to being refused for almost a year now by main insurance providers has made this news even worse! Its all back to the start and hoping and praying that they fianlly get the freggin hint and help me get the coverage I need to get the help I need.

Although this wasnt the best of news I still need to keep focused and centered and know things could always be worse. At least I still have a chance thats all that matters, the plan is going to be yet again one of the hardest things I will mentically and physically ever havet togo through but if its a chance that can save my life theres not even a question or a doubt not to go through with this.

Heres the Plan :

* Biopsy On tuesday not really sure how this gonna happen

due to me zoning out when they where telling me I needed a big biopsy surgery  I kinda freaked and  I got flashbacks of the last biopsy. . . it huuurt..

But what I did get was Em I a bleeder and theres a huge needle and anxiety meds they can give. Ill worry on Monday when I find out more but till then not gonna think bout it.

* 2 Rounds of intensive Chemotherapy

I was told this chemo is extremely way worse than the one before, exteme Nausea, Hair loss (AGAIN CRAAAAAAAP) and once again many extreme side affects.

Ooook so I know I havet to prep for this, and I know I shouldnt complain.

But just for one second! Craaaaap! I just started to grow my hair back! I was so exsited I was lucky to have not lost all of it but this time I know I will!! I know they say you need certain types of brain tests which is scarey knowing the chemo is so strong that you start to act different I dont want to loose myself in this!! I cant even talk about the thought of being away from my family especially my baby niece and nephew they are my WORLD!! Oh and even tho its ol news and I shld know better there goes any of my secret hope I still had to maybe have a baby  -___-

*Then depending on the after effects of Chemo Round 2

Then Comes the Stem Cell Treatment.

As much as I wanna scream at the top Of my lungs alot of things that arent very nice words I havet to keep it together.

Although my plans of celebrating were put on hold, at least one thing interesting has came out of this ugly big mess. After weeks of debating after yesterdays news I decided to make a youtube account and make mini videos of whats been goin on round here and my whole expierence that is coming.

I hope you all will follow me along as once again I will battle and take head on this demon called Cancer!

A Nightmare called Fear and a Dream called Hope

I keep having these dreams. . .

These nightmares...

That theres nothing they can do to save me...

That I can feel it slowly taking over my body through my blood stream...

most of its blurry intill I see the doctors turn their back as they walk out the door...

Then I wake up....

Its only normal and human to think of the worst, but the fact that the pain in my chest

is still here and getting worse doesnt make it any easier neighther did the news I got today.

I got a call today I wasn't expecting.

Results were to be told tomorrow morning

Its the day I've been waiting for since i've been diagnosed

" Is it gone?! did it work?!"

A nurse called to tell  me that my doctor is sending me out asap to UCLA City of Hope or an hospitol where they can do a stem cell treatment, but my insurance doesnt cover the treatment and I need to get an insurance that will.

As confused as I was I had to ask what the hell she was talking about due to me not knowing the results yet but it was pretty clear to me.

The cat was let out of the bag and Chemotherapy didn't work niether did the Radiation.

Why else would she be telling me this, couldnt be an mistake.

Im still due to go in tommorrow morning to re-hear this news im assuming.

But just to hear it being confirmed again by my doctor herself is more worse than hearing it the way I did today.

How do I get through this one......

How do I walk towards and into the fire without burning.

Im scared to face what is coming.

To have the thoughts burned and carved into my brain that there may not be an end to this but an end to me.

If this suffering and hell on earth is for a reason I hope that reason is to help others.

I can't just be going through this for nothing for it to all end and stay at that.

More than ever I feel so alive and gone at the same time, but I cant let it get to me.

I wont let it!!

 I cant just give up I have to much to live for.

I accept the facts that

I may never have a normal life again,

May never meet someone that I love and get married to share a life with,

never hear the laugh or feel the touch of my own child,

but the most that hurts is leaving my family.

I cant just let this take me down Not without a Hell of a fight.

Whether I beat it or not only time will tell but from the time I have now I can only cherish it with my family and hope for the best.

There is somewhere I need to be and something I need to be doing.

For years I've been waiting to be were I belong, this is only leading me to it.

The Waiting Game

Well it's TIME!!!

The PET scan which is the BIG TEST is finally over Now time for Results!

(Finger Crossed!!)

So just to fill you in on some stuff incase you haven't heard of a pet scan before.

A pet scan is basically a test that you havet to be fasting for, so that they can give you and injection that is full of an sugary substance. So since there is nothing in your system but the injection any tumors or cancerous areas in the body will light up.

Now in my case I'm hoping NO areas Light up!!!

Which would be great because that would mean Im cancer free!!!!

But in these cases its best to not to get excited there is no telling what the results are.

I know by expierence what its like to get great news that something is working or that your getting better, then the next day find out it was all a lie and that its waay worse than what they thought.

Although this wasn't my plan or the life I thought I'd be living I have no reason to be mad at God.

I believe everything that happens whether good or bad has a reason.

Everyone has their own believes and opinions but I've seen to many beautiful things and Miracles in my life to not belive and have faith.

I've also seen endless tradgedies in this world to know there is a hell, Cancer being one of them.

I can spend countless hours and days whishing and hoping that I will be cancer free, but when it comes down to it sometimes you just need to let go.

The results I get on friday will change my whole life from here on out, I dont know if

it will be good or bad but what I do know is no matter what I will never stop fighting!!!