Well Loves its here and theres unfortunatly
no where to turn or run
its round #2 Chemo time and theres no stopping it.
I've been trying for the past couple of days to spend as much time as I possibly can with my family before I go into chemo this Thursday but its been hard!
Theres some of my family members I havent seen since before getting diagnosed and seeing them made me so happy yet sad all at the same time. Happy to see them because I missed them so much but yet sad that once again I havet to go into hiding and into a cave. I will be separated once again from them and its hard to know all the things that I will be missing out on this summer.
It scares me that from here on out I will be going through nothing but treatments for the next couple of months. The plan is to do the #2 rounds of chemo in the hospitol for three days come for 28 then go back for three days and due testing all over again.
Depending on the results if we get the cancer to a lower number they will then be able to do the stem cell treatment. If not there will be even more treatments to lower the cancer numbers so that the stem cell plan can be done. Knowing that procedure alone takes 3 months to maybe even longer kills me!
Im sooooo close to my parents and sisters that I cant even imagine being without them. Not to mention leaving my neice and nephew . . . Uuuugh!!! I just cant even think about it yet. We all have the craziest fun at the casa its just hard to know ill be missing out on time with them for months. I know I havet to start preparing myself but even when it does come I still wont be ready.
The best advice I get and try to tell myself is just take it day by day. Hour by hour and minute by minute.
These next 62 days I know will be hard re-losing my hair, feeling soo sick waaay beyond probebly I have ever felt before in my life and fear of not looking or being myself. Pluse not even gonna get into all the side effects that were mentioned to me, except for example the whole wheel chair thing which im not to happy about.
Its scares me. I dont want to change or lose myself in this.
And not to you Loves
but for the ones who
I know some people say "oh she doesnt look sick, or why is she writting a blog she looks fine. Why is she complaining?"
I may look normal and may look that im fine but obviously with the word CANCER and the fact that I have it should say it all. Just because I wear a wig and dress up as much as I can when I have the strength doesnt mean Im not in pain or not a cancer patient. You see pictures of me looking some what normal but you dont see my every day life routines.
For whats to come of re-losing my hair possibly losing or gaining a whole load of weight watching and feeling my body crumble from the inside out, who are you to talk and say that Im fine. What?! I cant try and dress up every once and a while and try to feel good about myself. No, i dont need a Wig or make up or fancy cloths to prove i'm a beautiful person inside and out, but so what if I wear wigs and make up most of the time katy perry and Lady Gaga do it and they even have their own hair.
As I said before I plan on making and putting videos up soon on whats happening and how hard it is not just for me and what I'm going through but to show a lil peek of what exactly ALL cancer patients havet to go through. Some have it worse than others and to me whether we wear a wig no wig gained weight or lost weight we are all beautiful.
And to those cancer patients that are reading this know no matter what you look like or how you feel, know you are beautiful inside and out no matter what they say or who trys to put you down!
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