A Nightmare called Fear and a Dream called Hope

I keep having these dreams. . .

These nightmares...

That theres nothing they can do to save me...

That I can feel it slowly taking over my body through my blood stream...

most of its blurry intill I see the doctors turn their back as they walk out the door...

Then I wake up....

Its only normal and human to think of the worst, but the fact that the pain in my chest

is still here and getting worse doesnt make it any easier neighther did the news I got today.

I got a call today I wasn't expecting.

Results were to be told tomorrow morning

Its the day I've been waiting for since i've been diagnosed

" Is it gone?! did it work?!"

A nurse called to tell  me that my doctor is sending me out asap to UCLA City of Hope or an hospitol where they can do a stem cell treatment, but my insurance doesnt cover the treatment and I need to get an insurance that will.

As confused as I was I had to ask what the hell she was talking about due to me not knowing the results yet but it was pretty clear to me.

The cat was let out of the bag and Chemotherapy didn't work niether did the Radiation.

Why else would she be telling me this, couldnt be an mistake.

Im still due to go in tommorrow morning to re-hear this news im assuming.

But just to hear it being confirmed again by my doctor herself is more worse than hearing it the way I did today.

How do I get through this one......

How do I walk towards and into the fire without burning.

Im scared to face what is coming.

To have the thoughts burned and carved into my brain that there may not be an end to this but an end to me.

If this suffering and hell on earth is for a reason I hope that reason is to help others.

I can't just be going through this for nothing for it to all end and stay at that.

More than ever I feel so alive and gone at the same time, but I cant let it get to me.

I wont let it!!

 I cant just give up I have to much to live for.

I accept the facts that

I may never have a normal life again,

May never meet someone that I love and get married to share a life with,

never hear the laugh or feel the touch of my own child,

but the most that hurts is leaving my family.

I cant just let this take me down Not without a Hell of a fight.

Whether I beat it or not only time will tell but from the time I have now I can only cherish it with my family and hope for the best.

There is somewhere I need to be and something I need to be doing.

For years I've been waiting to be were I belong, this is only leading me to it.